okay, i'm now 70% sure i'm overreacting.

well, it's kinda natural to do that. i mean ppl usually jump into conclusions without any prior info and likewise, i do not know anything to safely conclude. being judgmental is a part of human emotions and i see it as sorta a natural reflex for the unforseen eg. changes in life. and with that comes the good old question: why? and that you start blaming yourself for it. which is that 30% there...

but still, one has still to question why...

i mean, you see that as time passed since last year arnd this month, things got more distant... there were convos, debates gym buddy, study buddy. wow, then it just became gym invites only. then it became gym invites with a third party aka repetitions of "ask joey". now since joey's gone it became silence. at most, convos became merely hi and bye.

he still talks to otehr ppl. not all i might add. he's ignoring a lot, but mostly still talk to some... hmmm... how odd... come to think of it, he only talks to the barker ppl + his church mates only.

he acts as if his phone is spoilt. he never replies me anymore, not even a 'no, sry im busy'. he expects me to know that without him saying. these are clues that show he avoiding me. but when i hear he's not replying to a lot of other ppl, i thought, hey, he's just a douche. but then some others say, he's replying me leh. so i thought, wow, he's an even bigger douche. but no, i keep telling myself he may have some problems he's not willing to expose...

sian. he's pimpling too fyi. if you're pimpling during the holidays you knw something is wrong. but of course, i'm not at liberty to do anything.

i'm really trying my best now to just back off. cuz i see no true solution past this stage. i wont say its gone case, but really nothing much can be done.... but it's really not helping if i keeep seeing him every weekend now, isnt it? it's like every day, i tell myself to be happy in my own solitude (i just learnt that word bwahaha) then he comes along and just push me back down. not literally of course. its like i see him and i suddenly rmb how tight we were and now its like gone. its the harshness of reality that hurts.

now he's gymming by himself. no need for partners. no need for assistance. i tried to help him just now when he seem troubled benching, but he said he got it, which was, in my mind, a big middle finger to fuck off.

wow, it's kinda hard to say now that though you may not need me anymore, i need you man. i need a gym buddy to push me. but more imptly, i need a friend. a friend who was there for me like you were. a friend who isnt jugdemental with my choices in life and supports me instead. a friend who know how to save a brother when he's falling down.

i'm really curios as to what happened and why is this happening...

with convos restricted to hi and bye, and with such raging history, i dont think i can ever have another h2h with him again. i can try talking, but i think he'll try his best to cut the convo short. what a douchebag.

but i mean srsly talking here, can u imagine that the awkwardness of that happenening? how would you react if someone tells you whatever i just said above? you'll most likely be speechless afterwhich you'll give the 'it's okay, blablabla' speech. how do you even initiate such a talk... 'hey man, can i talk to you? you see, i need you right now... blablabla' he'll be like 'wtf? why so random'. and how does it go afterwards? what if the talk doesnt end well? are you able do console the person afterwards? wont a hug make it even more awkward? and if it does end well though, how do you transition out of the h2h? i mean, the awkwardness will still be there... and esp since you'll be pretty much repeating your texts of which he's avoiding from, you'll just scare the person away....

sian. part of me still wanna try correct things though... :/

and no taylor, i do not wanna go 'back to december all the time' cause i had the worst month ever back then and revisiting it would be a nightmare, or many of them back to back...

i have a very apt song right now. it's currently my fav. <3 its called i need a doctor, by dr dre feat. eminem and skylar grey:

[Chorus - Skylar Grey]
I'm about to lose my mind
you've been gone for so long
I'm running out of time
I need a doctor
call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
to bring me back to life

[Eminem]
I told the World one day I would pay it back
say it on tape, and lay it, record it
so that one day I could play it back
but I don't even know if I believe it when I'm saying that
ya'll starting to creep in, everyday its so grey and black
hope, I just need a ray of that
cause no one see's my vision when I play it for 'em
they just say its wack
they don't know what dope is
and I don't know if I was awake or asleep
when I wrote this,
all I know is you came to me when I was at my lowest
you picked me up, breeding life in me
I owe my life to you
before the life of me, I don't see why you don't see like I do
but it just dawned on me you lost a son
see this light in you, it's dark.
let me turn on the lights and brighten me and enlighten you
I don't think you realize what you mean to me
not the slightest clue
cause me and you were like a crew
I was like your sidekick
you gon either wanna fight me when I get off this fucking mic
or you gon hug me
but I'm not an option, there's nothing else I can do cause...

[Chorus - Skylar Grey]
I'm about to lose my mind
you've been gone for so long
I'm running out of time
I need a doctor
call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
to bring me back to life

[Eminem]
It hurts when I see you struggle
you come to me with ideas
you say there just pieces so I'm puzzled
cause the shit I hear is crazy
but your either getting lazy or you don't believe in you no more
seems like your own opinions, not one you can form
cant make a decision you keep questioning yourself
second guessing and its almost like your begging for my help
like I'm your leader
your supposed to fucking be my mentor
I can endure no more,
I demand you remember who you are
it was YOU, who believed in me
when everyone was telling you don't sign me
everyone at the fucking label, lets tell the truth
you risked your career for me
I know it as well as you
nobody wanted to fuck with the white boy
Dre, I'm crying in this booth
you saved my life, now maybe its my turn to save yours
but I can never repay you, what you did for me is way more
but I ain't giving up faith and you ain't giving up on me
get up Dre, I'm dying, I need you, come back for fuck's sake

[Chorus - Skylar Grey]
I'm about to lose my mind
you've been gone for so long
I'm running out of time
I need a doctor
call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
to bring me back to life
bring me back to life
bring me back to life

(I need a doctor, doctor
to bring me back to life)

[Dr Dre]
It literally feels like a lifetime ago
but I still remember the shit like it was just yesterday though
you walked in, yellow jump suit
whole room, cracked jokes
once you got inside the booth, told you, like smoke
went through friends, some of them I put on
but they just left, they said they was riding to the death
but where the fuck are they now
now that I need them, I don't see none of them
all I see is Slim
fuck all you fair-weather friends
all I need is him
fucking backstabbers
when the chips were down you just laughed at us
now you bout to feel the fucking wrath of aftermath, faggots
you gon see us in our lab jackets and ask us where the fuck we been?
you can kiss my indecisive ass crack maggots and the crackers ass
little crack a jack beat making wack math,
backwards producers, I'm back bastards
one more CD and then I'm packing up my bags and as I'm leaving
I'll guarantee they scream Dre don't leave us like that man cause...

[Chorus- Skylar Grey]
I'm about to lose my mind
you've been gone for so long
I'm running out of time
I need a doctor
call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
to bring me back to life

see how the lyrics coincides with my life right now? ^^ but i have other great friends right now. i'm very thankful to those helping me out right now...
im a sad lonely boy. you think you can count on people, esp your friends to back to up and even catch your back whenever you fall. unfortunately i do not have such luxury. everyones too busy doing their own shit that their eq tends to fall behind. sure theres the comfort of texting or fb, but really, theres no true substitute for being physically present, you know lending your shoulder or even a friendly 'its okay, it'll be fine hug'. cuz most of the times if you dont feel like talking to anyone, you do appreciate them still being there for you right by your side.

its my bday today and its no different than any other day i suffered through since december. i cant count on anyone because they are srsly busy. i dont blame them. i should be busy too. just dont know why they havent reply to me as to when i'm starting my job. anyw, i want to count on them, but i guess its too much pressure. i mean, i alrd scared like 3 of them away.

and i cant help it really. being alone sucks, and whenever you ask for company, there will be this awkward feeling where i just want it to be a normal gathering between two parties and yet the other party sympathises you for some reason. and this awkwardness snowballs into feelings of guilt of which you regret, then apologize and then things get way way more awkward.

yes, this happened to one of them, i'm sure you know who. i'll just call the person b. see before all this, b and me were quite tight. you know, someone actually worth being there for you and helping whenever you're in trouble. b did that to me, multiple times in fact, and i thank thee. and its this kind of helpfulness that makes me more emotionally attached or even clingy, but may not necessarily be a good thing cause i lost all my independence...

but one tragic event made me rage at b, of which i truly regret immediately after that. i seeked help from 2 other helpful people, lets call them c and d. they told me to make amends. i did so with two bottles of rum. and make amends we did, just like that. not a single apology thrown from either parties, two bottles of alcohol was what made the difference. and i thought it ended there. but things got wierder between b and me. i didnt reliase it just last month, and this happened like last year before As i think... anyw, b started to feel really sian. and i, being stupid as i am, thought it was a phase and since b helped me out before, i thought i could repay the favour. but i couldnt. and it started to bug me out. i sent an apologetic text wondering if it was me and said if b could use a hand. no reply. after a while i reliased b started to distance himself away from me. i sent another apologetic text. and again, no reply.

by this time it was alrd post As. and with it being post As, youd expect parties, parties and more parties. all i got was post-prom, nothing, nothing and even more nothing. i got lonely. really lonely. my classmates got all attached and stuff, so i'm the only single guy left.

even during post-prom i was lonely. this i must tell. i got to the place with quoc. had dinner with him, which is good cause i wanna go in with a friend. then he left for his classmates after prom was over. so i just stoned at the lobby staring at people as they streamed in. the worst part is, no one noticed i was there alone and stoning. and it hurt. i saw the barker ppl having their fun. and i just stood back. kenneth noticed though. but really, could i even spoil the mood for a party by flushing ppl with my sorrows? no. the barker ppl just walked past me like i was invisible. not even a 'meet u upstairs man'... even those pseudo-malay girls emotionally stabbed me, i mean cmon, you ask me whats wrong, im halfway past my story you leave... i mean... WTF?!! bitches... i'll never forgive them for that. nevertheless, thank god one of my classmates came and i went in with him... i couldnt really rmb much what happened inside, but all i know is that i got super wasted somehow and at least the scones were nice enough to help. actually its more like take advantage of the situation, but i really dont care. i appreciate any form of company. i crashed their hotel room, but left early cuz i felt super weird there and not even kev or yw tried to make me feel part of the group. cuz why? i'm not.

so i was really banking on other people to guard my back. still nothing from them. nothing from b. nothing from c. only scams from d (fake invites for selfish reasons) even during postprom. i texted b, saying im feeling lonely and i wanted coompany. b replied. but after a while nothing changed. i texted again, then he kept quiet. until now, feb 17 2011. i can show my conversation list and its really one-sided.

i asked help from e. e told me that b is prob scared of you. its makes sense since im like on his case the whole time. then again it is possible that b's just scared of hurting me again hence the distancing. apparently b told the rest im unavailable or smthng which really exascerbates my loneliness and really makes me think that b's scared of me. even betrayal comes into mind often. i mean it hurts too when your friends are having fun without you, having fun when you're down in the dumps with no one.

things got slightly better in jan. i think. f came into the picture. and whenever i asked b something, b'll always reply 'ask f'. ALWAYS. but at least things are getting better, and i thought the future will be much brighter from then on. boy was i mistaken, now f is away in ns along with a majority of my bros and all i have left with are b, and the tension that arises when im around b. Now b doesnt even wanna talk to me anymore. I really dont know why, nor do i know what happened, but since 9th feb, it's december period all over. c,d,e all busy now. everytime i ask its the same answer 'NO!'... so whatup? im alone again... not cool. its not as easy as saying 'hey can you comfort me pls' cuz i scared off e from saying that too much. e told me to leave b alone. but that aint cool. you know somethings wrong. you wanna help. but you cant cuz you dont know whats wrong. in the end, guilt eats you up and it evolves into sorrow and eventually loneliness.

and yes, in case you have figured it out, i was crying thoughout this post. reality checks are very harsh indeed. b is officially not talking to me. im still trying to reconcile but for now, im following e's advice.

you'll never know how painful it is to lose your best friend for no apperant reason. you're lost, you need help. but there aint anyone available....

I MEAN CMON, ITS MY FUCKING BDAY AND U STILL HAVE NO BALLS TO SAY IT TO MY FACE THAT YOU NO LONGER WANT ME IN YOUR LIFE. AND FOR THE REST OF YOU ASSHOLES WHO KEEPS TELLING ME TO CHEER UP, DONT YOU THINK IM TRYING? IM IN THE STATE WHERE ANY FUCKING SHIT HAPPENS WILL EXASCERBATE MY LONELINESS AND ANGER. THANKS FOR CARING, BUT IF YOU REALLY CARED ABOUT ME, COME TO ME CUZ I REALLY DONT MIND A H2H TALK RIGHT NOW. ITS MY FUCKING BDAY AND PPL ARE STILL TOO BUSY AND SELFISH TO HELP... STOP SAYING NO DAMNIT...

happy birthday? pfft. what an irony there....
Photos speak more than a thousand words. So I'll post four of them.
Credit goes to my RJ friend's friend.









can u see the diff bw rj and us?
can u see how high it is?
can u see why i'm disappointed now?
wow. i think i'm in seriously denial. to think that one year has gone past so fast that, although i hate admitting it, it's over. can't believe it's over. it can't be over though because it doesnt feel like it is. i'm in denial because i still dont want canoeing to be over. we gave in six out of our seven days a week for it and it can't just end like this. no, it can't.

i'm not satisfied with 5th and neither is anyone else. i want a second chance. i want a rematch. i want to row again without having the slightest thought that it's over. tbh, i dont really give a shit's ass about dragonboat. i signed up for canoeing, but i didnt thoroughly achieved what is to be achieved though the entire experience of canoeing.

i really want a second chance. i blame the illness both of us got at the last minute. and how did we get sick? it all leads back to njcc when we had to compete, badly if i might add, in the rain, which made us fall ill.

it's not enough and it never is. especially since the cca is at the brink of closing down, this is not the way to go. it's simply not fair.

tbh, i tried my best to cheer myself up after yesterday's defeats. 3 mcflurrys somehow did the trick, but i ensured myself to put others before me for the day, to give them the support they need to excel while i sit back behind. i ensured myself to be over it and to be happy for the others instead. but i guess it's just a failed facade i tried to put up. i got heavily influenced by the aura of depression by the rest.

the emo vibe is seriously contagious. that's something new i learnt today. guess it started with mark. he has a point though - how can people be fine by losing in heats when he himself is beating himself to dust when he lost in semis. i feel the same way. that theres simply something wrong with the entire picture.

the closest inexperienced ones to make it through were wy and hh. they're the only ones to make it to the finals, so our hopes are with them. they did good, but to them, not good enough. for me, not good enough either. they did the same mistakes me and jarrod did, opportunities wide open, yet did not cease them. because of that, the emo vibe darkens deeply.

i hate to admit it. but i guess my favourite quote to life applies here: 'life is all about the experience.' likewise, only the experienced rowers are the ones to obtain symbols of recognition for their hard work - medals, ncc signups and ac colours. what did WE get, merely things invisible; the materiality isn't there. teamwork? any team can have that. why is ours so special or different?

in fact, it's really not fair. something isnt right somehow. i thought we were a team. so why isn't the pride and glory from the experienced shared with the inexperienced? the truth is, the gap is still there. even from day one, it's there. it was just blurred until today. what the rest of us shared was merely depression.

something struck me hard today. someone said to some extent, that the key to double k4 gold is experience. it could have just been some bullshit flying around but it struck me. does this mean that the rest are destined to lose out in the other events because they're harder to win? what if, (i know i'm gonna get assrape commented on this) hypothetically, we were to turn the tables around, to break the k4 so that inexperienced gets a chance to shine in it while the experienced shine in the k2. wouldn't that make a more ideal situation where we can finally break into the top 4 categories and more people gets the recognition they truly deserve? of course, this does mean taking risks here and there but isn't the whole point of going through ccaab was to make us more daring to take such risks, even if our cca is at the brink of closing down.

gosh. the cab ride back to macritche was so depressing, and so was the dinner. i dont blame mark for not wanting to go for it after all these shit. i dont blame kevin either. i think both of them swallowed the most painful pills. so much hard work, for nothing. in the end, the inexperienced 10 went back home without anything. it was too sad.
Lily Allen - Not Fair

it's not fair, and I think you're really mean
I think you're really mean, yes I think you're really mean
oh you're supposed to care, but you never make me scream
you never make me scream

oh it's not fair, and it's really not ok
it's really not ok, it's really not ok
oh you're supposed to care, but all you do is take
all you do is take


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sigh, im feeling really disappointed with myself right now. i dont really know where to begin.

i guess what happened during nats these past few days really reflect my life in jc right now. so many opportunities which i let go. likewise, there were so many opportunities to make it through, but i failed... miserably.

not to put the blame on anyone, but its such a damn freaking waste. all our races, training wasted.

i really should have called for a last burst earlier, because of that, we got hit by a freaking bad back wash that slowed us down a lot. cant believe i 'gave up' too soon. the back wash was a wake up call. tried to push on harder but it was wasted as the boat ended up turning and shaking because of the wash. FUCK!

it really is a waste. damn. my ideal vision of getting straight finals wasted because of stupid mistakes. 1k and 500m. both, wasted. i knew that if the door to straight finals was open, might as well embrace it for the semis would be fucking hard. i was right. yet the opportunity slipped past we got kicked out of semis for both events.

and i really feel that i have failed terribly. like i should have done something else, but its too late. and theres no chance of redemption...

gah! someone just hug me already......

i'm sorry for having failed you man.
you know the feeling when you wish someone would care about you, much like some drama serial where any problem you have is evident to everyone around you. i'm not asking much, but i just want someones shoulder to rest on. its like your parents would never understand and most of your friends wont know fully whats going on and those who know are the ones affecting you, giving you all these problems. all you have is your bolster to hug, a locked room to isolate yourself, blankets to keep you warm, and an mp3 player to blast all the screamy emo songs in your head. i know i'm running away from my problems but i think it will stay here with me till i can correct my mistakes. tbh, i'm actually mad at myself. i'm mad that i'm super injury-prone and because of that, i'm not in school right now doing what is supposed to be done. i want some warmth. i wish for that warm hug when you embrace the one who understands you, cares about you and ultimately, can help you overcome these burdens....
Whaddya Want From Me
Adam Lambert

Hey,
Slow it down.
Whataya want from me,
Whataya want from me?
Yeah,
Im afraid.
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me?
There might have been a time when I would give myself away
Oh, once upon a time I didnt give a damn
But now,
Here we are
So, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just dont give up
Im working it out
Please dont give in
I wont let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i've been thinking about this for quite some time now. i just realised that with nats being this close, and njcc even closer, we are still unprepared to race. in fact, i think unprepared is an understatement, we still have a loooong loooong way to go.

before this week, i was thinking, especially with cj asking us to write our reflections and stuff, i thought deep and hard on what we (me + jarrod) have done on a c2. in fact it was nothing much. tbh, it still is. if i were to rewind time back to scm, we're still uncoordinated, direction still haywire. now, it's still the same.

damn, if i could rewind time, i'd rewind it back all the way to last yr so that i'll be more serious.

back then during scm, jarrod died in front of me. after that, somehow or rather, one of us would die during training. be it sick, or orientation, or any other nonsense la. its sad. i thought about this really hard especially aft yesterday's awful mishaps. in my mind, it's like: there's no way this could happen to me now. competition's so close, yet we're so far. now i'm injured, and this uncoordinated partnership will just continue. i dislike this.

in fact all we need is time. time to recorrect mistakes. time to train more. unfortunately life isn't all that fair, contrary to what wy always says.

i look at the other c2 and was wondering, wow, they're on par with hadrian when they themselves had an uncoordinated partnership recently during scm period. had. in other words, not any more.

i'm not implying another jarrod. if u feel that way i'm truly sorry. i wrote on my reflections that we have a common goal which we had set not long before scm. in fact, we have an oath. and i'm very sure jarrod wrote the same thing cause cj had similar replies for both of us.

but frankly, i havent been taking the oath seriously. not a single bit actually, and i regretted it. its maybe one of the reasons why we're not working together well. we still have a long way to go. our direction is still a mess and it took me till yesterday to realise how horrendously awful it was and how much work we still need to put in.

wow, yesterday really opened my eyes. especially when we were labelled to be 'unprepared for the liangjin' when the other pair is prepared. in fact, they could possibly get a better boat. i'm not portraying prejudice here, i'm happy for them, yes. but when it comes to things like this, similarly for the k2s, there will be the others who will get the shorter end of the straw. and we're it. life's unfair and i now sorta feel dlim's pain slightly...

i agree though, we're not prepared. but its more that that, i'm mad at the fact that we arent'. maybe that's why i've been screaming much much.

my hearts breaking apart and so is my arm....

i'm sorry jarrod. i really feel like giving up right now. you may just see this as a bunch of words on your screen, but i'm actually crying right now...

i'm screwing everything up. we both used to on par with hadrian in our c1s yet when i'm in control, both of us couldnt keep up anymore. not saying i miss those days, but no, in fact, i miss those days. why cant we keep up with hadrian anymore? i'm seriously screwing both of us up. not only direction, it's everything.

i'm really really confused now... like idk... something that needs to be done but i dont know where to begin cause it's a lot... it's a lot...
120210 Water Training Log
Program: Technical rows [was sick, sorry Jarrod!]
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None

130210 Water Training Log
Program: Technical rows - 6k
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None

170210 Water Training Log
Program: Sprints [cut short cuz Jarrod's not feeling too good]
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None

180210 Land Training Log
Program: Pyramid sets of bench press & bench pull
Weights: 30x40kg, 20x50kg, 15x60kg, 10x70kg, 6x75kg, 2x80kg, 6x75kg, 10x70kg, 15x60kg, 20x50kg, 30x40kg

190210 Water Training Log
Program: Sprints [cut short cuz Jarrod's not feeling too good]
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None

200210 Water Training Log
Program: Sprints [forgot liao =S]
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None
Land Program: 100 pullups, 100 pushups
Dboat: Mileage

220210 Water Training Log
Program: 6 2 x 1k sprint sets [Cat 1]
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None
Land Program: 30min easy run

230210 Water Training Log
Program: 8 7 x 500m sprint sets
Boat: Liangjin C2
Capsizes: None

240210 Land Training Log
Program: X-Country - 3.3km
Position: 124
Land Training Log
Gym Program: 3 sets (3', 2', 1') of bench press + pull (20,30,40), hyperextension (plus 0,5,10kg), twisting inclined situps (plus 0,5,10kg), snatch/punching (12kg, 15kg/5kg punch), shoulder press (14kg x 3), one arm row (62,68,77kg), rotary (62,68,72kg), weighted twists (11.3kg)/ chinups (plus 2.5kg, plus 10kg)
J1 Program: 2 1 x circuit sets (100m run, 10pullups, 100m run, 15 pushups, 100m run, 20 crunches, 100 sprint)
Post J1 Program: 100 pullups, 200 wipers, 300 pushups

LIKE WTF!!! MEGA PAINFUL CAN!!!
Water Training Log
Program: Time Trial - 1000m x 2, 500m x 2
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None

Comments
Starts was damn bad.
Water and wind was awful.
Though 1st set is the best.
The rest are works in progress.
Still need work on direction!!!
My stroke like shit.
But we still could glide. =.="

56 more days
Land Training Log
Morning Land Program: 6km run
Evening Land Program: 100 chinups

Stupid chinaman bus driver dont even know acs(i) from acjc, took 10 mins to get to acjc from acs(i), dont even know where's macritche!, and was fucking 45min late! And because of this shit, we didn't get to go for water!

Seriously, chinamen shouldn't have these kinds of jobs.
Water Training Log
Program: 4x500m, 1x250m, 1x100m, 1x50m sprints
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: Twice [not during sprints]

Sad that program was cut short. ;_;
Land Training Log
Gym Program: 3 sets (2'30", 1', 45") of bench press + pull (20,30,40), hyperextension (plus 0,5,10kg), twisting inclined situps (plus 0,5,10kg), snatch/punching (12kg, 15kg/5kg punch), shoulder press (14kg x 3), one arm row (62,68,77kg), rotary (62,68,72kg), weighted twists (11.3kg)/ chinups (plus 2.5kg, plus 10kg)