you know the feeling when you wish someone would care about you, much like some drama serial where any problem you have is evident to everyone around you. i'm not asking much, but i just want someones shoulder to rest on. its like your parents would never understand and most of your friends wont know fully whats going on and those who know are the ones affecting you, giving you all these problems. all you have is your bolster to hug, a locked room to isolate yourself, blankets to keep you warm, and an mp3 player to blast all the screamy emo songs in your head. i know i'm running away from my problems but i think it will stay here with me till i can correct my mistakes. tbh, i'm actually mad at myself. i'm mad that i'm super injury-prone and because of that, i'm not in school right now doing what is supposed to be done. i want some warmth. i wish for that warm hug when you embrace the one who understands you, cares about you and ultimately, can help you overcome these burdens....
Whaddya Want From Me
Adam Lambert

Hey,
Slow it down.
Whataya want from me,
Whataya want from me?
Yeah,
Im afraid.
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me?
There might have been a time when I would give myself away
Oh, once upon a time I didnt give a damn
But now,
Here we are
So, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just dont give up
Im working it out
Please dont give in
I wont let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i've been thinking about this for quite some time now. i just realised that with nats being this close, and njcc even closer, we are still unprepared to race. in fact, i think unprepared is an understatement, we still have a loooong loooong way to go.

before this week, i was thinking, especially with cj asking us to write our reflections and stuff, i thought deep and hard on what we (me + jarrod) have done on a c2. in fact it was nothing much. tbh, it still is. if i were to rewind time back to scm, we're still uncoordinated, direction still haywire. now, it's still the same.

damn, if i could rewind time, i'd rewind it back all the way to last yr so that i'll be more serious.

back then during scm, jarrod died in front of me. after that, somehow or rather, one of us would die during training. be it sick, or orientation, or any other nonsense la. its sad. i thought about this really hard especially aft yesterday's awful mishaps. in my mind, it's like: there's no way this could happen to me now. competition's so close, yet we're so far. now i'm injured, and this uncoordinated partnership will just continue. i dislike this.

in fact all we need is time. time to recorrect mistakes. time to train more. unfortunately life isn't all that fair, contrary to what wy always says.

i look at the other c2 and was wondering, wow, they're on par with hadrian when they themselves had an uncoordinated partnership recently during scm period. had. in other words, not any more.

i'm not implying another jarrod. if u feel that way i'm truly sorry. i wrote on my reflections that we have a common goal which we had set not long before scm. in fact, we have an oath. and i'm very sure jarrod wrote the same thing cause cj had similar replies for both of us.

but frankly, i havent been taking the oath seriously. not a single bit actually, and i regretted it. its maybe one of the reasons why we're not working together well. we still have a long way to go. our direction is still a mess and it took me till yesterday to realise how horrendously awful it was and how much work we still need to put in.

wow, yesterday really opened my eyes. especially when we were labelled to be 'unprepared for the liangjin' when the other pair is prepared. in fact, they could possibly get a better boat. i'm not portraying prejudice here, i'm happy for them, yes. but when it comes to things like this, similarly for the k2s, there will be the others who will get the shorter end of the straw. and we're it. life's unfair and i now sorta feel dlim's pain slightly...

i agree though, we're not prepared. but its more that that, i'm mad at the fact that we arent'. maybe that's why i've been screaming much much.

my hearts breaking apart and so is my arm....

i'm sorry jarrod. i really feel like giving up right now. you may just see this as a bunch of words on your screen, but i'm actually crying right now...

i'm screwing everything up. we both used to on par with hadrian in our c1s yet when i'm in control, both of us couldnt keep up anymore. not saying i miss those days, but no, in fact, i miss those days. why cant we keep up with hadrian anymore? i'm seriously screwing both of us up. not only direction, it's everything.

i'm really really confused now... like idk... something that needs to be done but i dont know where to begin cause it's a lot... it's a lot...
120210 Water Training Log
Program: Technical rows [was sick, sorry Jarrod!]
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None

130210 Water Training Log
Program: Technical rows - 6k
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None

170210 Water Training Log
Program: Sprints [cut short cuz Jarrod's not feeling too good]
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None

180210 Land Training Log
Program: Pyramid sets of bench press & bench pull
Weights: 30x40kg, 20x50kg, 15x60kg, 10x70kg, 6x75kg, 2x80kg, 6x75kg, 10x70kg, 15x60kg, 20x50kg, 30x40kg

190210 Water Training Log
Program: Sprints [cut short cuz Jarrod's not feeling too good]
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None

200210 Water Training Log
Program: Sprints [forgot liao =S]
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None
Land Program: 100 pullups, 100 pushups
Dboat: Mileage

220210 Water Training Log
Program: 6 2 x 1k sprint sets [Cat 1]
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None
Land Program: 30min easy run

230210 Water Training Log
Program: 8 7 x 500m sprint sets
Boat: Liangjin C2
Capsizes: None

240210 Land Training Log
Program: X-Country - 3.3km
Position: 124
Land Training Log
Gym Program: 3 sets (3', 2', 1') of bench press + pull (20,30,40), hyperextension (plus 0,5,10kg), twisting inclined situps (plus 0,5,10kg), snatch/punching (12kg, 15kg/5kg punch), shoulder press (14kg x 3), one arm row (62,68,77kg), rotary (62,68,72kg), weighted twists (11.3kg)/ chinups (plus 2.5kg, plus 10kg)
J1 Program: 2 1 x circuit sets (100m run, 10pullups, 100m run, 15 pushups, 100m run, 20 crunches, 100 sprint)
Post J1 Program: 100 pullups, 200 wipers, 300 pushups

LIKE WTF!!! MEGA PAINFUL CAN!!!
Water Training Log
Program: Time Trial - 1000m x 2, 500m x 2
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: None

Comments
Starts was damn bad.
Water and wind was awful.
Though 1st set is the best.
The rest are works in progress.
Still need work on direction!!!
My stroke like shit.
But we still could glide. =.="

56 more days
Land Training Log
Morning Land Program: 6km run
Evening Land Program: 100 chinups

Stupid chinaman bus driver dont even know acs(i) from acjc, took 10 mins to get to acjc from acs(i), dont even know where's macritche!, and was fucking 45min late! And because of this shit, we didn't get to go for water!

Seriously, chinamen shouldn't have these kinds of jobs.
Water Training Log
Program: 4x500m, 1x250m, 1x100m, 1x50m sprints
Boat: Billy C2
Capsizes: Twice [not during sprints]

Sad that program was cut short. ;_;
Land Training Log
Gym Program: 3 sets (2'30", 1', 45") of bench press + pull (20,30,40), hyperextension (plus 0,5,10kg), twisting inclined situps (plus 0,5,10kg), snatch/punching (12kg, 15kg/5kg punch), shoulder press (14kg x 3), one arm row (62,68,77kg), rotary (62,68,72kg), weighted twists (11.3kg)/ chinups (plus 2.5kg, plus 10kg)
Land Training Log
Gym Program: Bench press + bench pull: 10x10reps 52kg, 6x6reps 62kg, 2x2reps 72kg, 1x1 rep 82kg
Land Program: 6k run
Timing: 28.40 min+