.: lifeofabitch :.

09 July 2007

Caution! Emo post ahead. Skip this if you don't wanna be influenced by all the negative aura emerging from the next few paragraphs, including a sudden increase in Emo Songs.

Well, somehow, I need to express this. But since it's a secret. I simply have no choice but to speak in Malay:

Kebelakangan ini, Nawawi mahu meminta Peh agar dia menukar Naib Sarjan Major. Semuanya kerana terlalu banyak buruk hati dan busuk hati oleh semua individu, termasuk saya. Saya setuju. Saya juga mahu dia dipecat dan ditukar. Malah, soalannya, siapa? Jawapan yang paling terdiri sekali adalah Hasif. Tetapi, jikalau dia mendapat tugas itu. Tugasnya akan diturunkan kepada saya. Kemudiannya, saya pula yang menjadi S1 dan S3.

Tetapi, itu bukan isunya. Isunya ialah mengapa buruk dan busuk hati? Selama 3 tahun bersama-sama, patutkah kita bersedemikian? Tidak. Tetapi, ada orang yang sangat degil sehingga kita sendiri tidak boleh tahan. Lebih baik cakap, "Ya! Saya setuju akan pilihan kamu!"

[Now Listening To: Evanescence - Sweet Sacrifice]

~~Bukan itu sahaja,~~ Not only that, but apparently, I had discovered this strange emotional bond between us. It's like, when someone has to leave early, part of me feels like going as well. It's a strange feeling. I just could not comprehend it. You can consider it brotherly love? Or that strange 'Pumpkin Hypothesis' derived by Kaoru from Ouran High? Isn't that what the school wants to instill within all of us? Brotherly love? We're a family. We're brothers. Or are we really?

When someone steals your money, did you help them? When someone lends you money, did you repay back the cash? When someone feels down and emo, do you aprroach him and try to 'mediate' the person?

Love. Can I just walk up to my 'brother' and say I love you. All you get as a reply is probably 'Gay' or just a slap on the face. Bolehkah saya mengexpressi perasaan-perasaan saya terhadap seorang lelaki? .... Saya sayang seorang lelaki? Mungkinkah itu jawapannya. Mungkin sebab saya pang-seinya semalam dan dia pang-sei saya hari ini, saya merinduinya? Is that what you call brotherly love? Maybe.... But it still lacks sense. Isn't that considered incestous? Kalau sebegitu, mengapakah wanita itu menunjukkan mukanya itu terhadapku? Kalau saya menuju ke arah lain, adakah dia akan juga. Kita semua tidak tentu arah.

Sigh.

Lots of things are entering my mind. And somehow or rather, I feel quite troubled by it. Lately I've been complaining that my life so far has been a bore. School and homework - bore. Home - bore. What else is there in life of a simple secondary school boy? I feel that my life is simply a waste. What if I could just end it now? It's all a bore anyways? Why is there life in the first place. If I wasn't born, I would be here, and I would even exist.

Life is as fragile as a piece of glass. Treasure it, they say. Live it, M1 say. But what's the point? Throughout today's school, I was complaining that school was so boring that I just want it to end there and then, or maybe have this want for the time to move faster, or 'Double Up' as they say it. But what's the point? I'll be killing myself from boredom at home anyways. Same with Speech Day rehearsals. Feel like killing the guy who invented Speech Day. Die, die!

[Now Listening To: My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words]

Do you call it a love to treasure your life? If you are blessed with good looks or good characters, or good brains, or maybe even all three, do you treasure it? Or simply let it slide by as just part of your 'life'?

Life
–noun
1. the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual: to risk one's life; a short life and a merry one.
2. a corresponding state, existence, or principle of existence conceived of as belonging to the soul: eternal life.
3. the general or universal condition of human existence: Too bad, but life is like that.
4. any specified period of animate existence

My mind is simply confuzzled.

.....................................

Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood

Chorus:
I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine, in a bag
I'm useless,but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine, in a bag
I'm useless, but not for long
The future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
My future

.....................................

So why bother?

[Now Listening To: 30 Seconds To Mars - The Kill (Bury Me)]

Yes, bury me. I feel like ending my life......

.....................................

Whilst stoning for an hour in the toilet, I reflected my life. From birth to kindergaten, to primary school to secondary school to the present. Obviously the most prominent memories will be the embarrassing ones, like when I brought a pink bag to primary school. ^^ It's not the one with those stupid cartoon characters on it. Just plain pink. I found it quite cute. But I think it didn't fit me at that time.

[Now Listening To: Sick Puppies - All The Same]

But most of my 15 years and 4 months and 22 days, I've been mostly ALONE. It's a fact. During kindergaten, I remembered distinctly that no one wanted to be my buddy. During lower primary school, bullied. During upper primary school, got raped. This friend-less feeling hurts. A lot.

Even now. Although I've made many friends through my various changing state called puberty, I still feel lonely. Why? Most of my time is spent stoning at home - alone. Maybe that's why.

[Now Listening To: Gwen Steffani - 4 In The Morning]

Come to think of it, WHY DIDN'T MY FRIENDS INVITE ME FOR ANY OCCASIONS? I seriously wonder why. This small things come and go but only once in a blue moon. But I don't feel satiated.

Even when joyriding, I'm alone. Maybe I chose to be then, but I've made more friends through this experience. But sadly, they only like to argue. I don't call those my friends, just acquaintances.

I have a handphone. INVITE ME OUT! I'm truthfully BORING MYSELF TO DEATH... Is it because I eat only Halal food, so you don't invite me to restaurants as it would be too 'troublesome'? Is it because I will react too violently in public? Is it because I'm not a good person to talk to cuz I'm soo emo most of the time? Is it because I sulk? Is it?

.....................................

My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words

'Cause I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I'd never speak,
Awake, and unafraid.

Asleep, or dead...

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

... 8:24 pm