What happened yesterday and today happened too fast.
Time flew so fast. Seems it was just yesterday I was a freshman in VS. Now a red shirt and a student leader....
[ Now Listening To: Groove Armada & Mutya Buena - Song 4 Mutya (Out Of Control) ]
Something is keeping me preoccupied though these past few weeks. Make that since last month when THAT happened.
Feel like I'm back to Square 1. On Monday, I was all hyper at school. But in reality, I was just simply hiding. All afraid that something bad will spill out. I just realised that it was spilt out long ago.
I was hiding from something that was already out. I feel so ashamed right now...
Back to square one. My mind is so confuzzled. So cramped. Not because of school. In fact, I don't think I can focus on school now with all these crap in my head.
Trying my best to squeeze out all these nonscence from my brain. But to no avail...
My head hurts..
[ Now Listening To: Madison Avenue - Don't Call Me Baby ]
All tired. All emo. All bored in school again. Caffiene'd or not, I'm back to square one. I accept the fact.
I have no choice now. All I can do now is just to face it head on. No point hiding again. Even if I bottle up my emotions and put it away, traces of it will be stored in my heart, and in my brain, and worse haunt me in my sleep.
It had haunted me before. Lots of times in fact. And this haunting will affect me in reality. Even though there are differences between reality and LalaLand, whatever that occurs, my keeps haunting me.
I don't like that.
[ Now Listening To: Paolo Nutini - Last Request ]
An example: Last year I dreamt that Joshua was run over by a train. And that occurred after some people were actually run over by a train... And how did it affect me? I actually didn't DARE to take the train for over two weeks.
That was...until HE took the train with me... I felt better. =)
But will HE be there everytime I need help. I don't think so. We're slowly growing apart. I don't like it this way. But I have no choice but to accept it.
Gah! I feel so lonely right now...
[ Now Listening To: Kat Deluna feat. Elephant Man - Whine Up ]
Maybe HE is the cause of all my problems. But I can't blame him. That would be right. HE did nothing wrong. I can only blame myself. Even though all my thoughts are concentrated around HIM, it would be right to blame him.
There I go...thinking about HIM again... Seriously, sometimes I wonder if I'm really in love with him...
Haiz. My brain hurts....
But if I don't let it out, I'll simply be hiding again. And that is not what I want. I want to be free somehow. I feel so claustraphobic right now. Like something is constricting me until I feel so uncomfortable that it actually brings about my daily life right now...
And what does it turn out? Me being all tired, bored, sleepy....
Even up to the extend of some people thinking I'm on drugs. Well I'm NOT on drugs. I don't even like medicine. And I don't know how to swallow. Sounds wrong, but I admit it...
[ Now Listening To: Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder ]
Yes, these things seriously Makes Me Wonder.
It made me wonder of what this 'thing' is that is constricting me from my freedom. What thing 'thing' is that is actually hurting my brain and occupying 99.9% of it, or whatever that is left of it....
Gah!
This pisses me off...
Even I don't know WHAT I'm ranting about. Might as well not rant.... Cuz... even when I rant, my mind will still be pre-occupied, and still will be constricting me, even tighter and tighter as the days pass..
[ Now Listening To: P. Diddy feat. Usher - I Need A Girl (Part One) ]
This is soo depressing. It's like there's no way out. It's like I'm forced to uphold this constriction. It's like I'm forced to hide my feelings and emotions, cuz I don't even know WHAT I'm hiding...
Haiz...
My brain is hurting again..........
This all results in me stoning all day. Be it in LalaLand or at school. Simply looking out - thinking....of something...of which even I don't know...
[ Now Listening To: Amy Winehouse feat. Jay-Z - Rehab (Remix) ]
Yes. I feel so sian today because of this.....
... 9:43 pm
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Musli Temasekian Victorian ACSian Ncc(Sea) Senior Peer Leader PSB ExCo Curriculum Head 1SC9 2SC9 AEP 16 yrs old 17 Feb '92 Aquaries Emo, not emo Muslimin
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