.: lifeofabitch :.

28 August 2007

Lunar eclipse today... which means, extra prayers... =.="

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Hurt
By Christina Aguilera

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

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Haiz. Today very sad. Very lonely. =(

Tried my best not to be emo, but I failed. I guess many people around me noticed that I was moody today.....

I just locked my door and blasted emo songs into my ears! o.o Wei Guang's right; emo songs sound more emo when you're emo.

Currently drowning myself with emo songs, because today is sooo emofying.....

Just can't help but to bombard emo songs to myself. ;_;

But oddly, the emo songs I hear never gets boring. I simply never get tired of hearing them, even though the track is on repeat.

[ Currently listening to: The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel ]

I anticipated today, when I woke up in the morning, that something was a miss. And it's true. Something was missing today. More importantly, someone...

I had a feeling when I was planning to blog this entry that readers may figure out who that someone is. But I guess, letting it out to the public, may not be so drastic as I used to imagine.....

Come to think of it, the last time I feel this depressed is when that certain someone was absent too. Now that he is absent again today, I guess it made me feel really lonely at heart.

Maybe too lonely...

Gah! This emo song is making me feel like crying my hearts out. Just give me a moment.....

....

....

....

....

....

Back.

[ Currently Listening To: Evanescence - My Immortal ]

Haiz. But I guess the day started okay. Went rather smoothly during A.Maths and Malay. But when I found out he was missing...things changed....

My attention span completely dropped in class. Worse still, it was English period after recess. I simply could not take it and just left class with my bag to my Emo Corner, which apparently was flooded by the rain seeping into the roof landing under the door to the roof itself.

Come to think of it, Depressing Mood + Depressing Weather = REALLY DEPRESSING DAY.

I just kept an image of him in mind, and somehow, I fell asleep.

I dreamt something unpleasant though. Scientists hypothesised that whenever you're stressed out on a particular topic before you sleep, it will most likely be carried into your dreams. And in my case, it did.

I was at the bus-stop with that person, and Farhan (of all people... =.="). I recalled it was somewhere at Bedok (I think..) and it was dark outside. We were happily gossiping. And all of a sudden, he disappeared! Like he simply vaporized into nothingness. =( I was frantically panicking as if I lost my wallet. Then we looked around for him. We went to some building (hotel?) to look but we didn't find him. We just left, and I was in dismay. A double-deck 9 took us somewhere else. Farhan went to sit, but I was still worried, until I saw a mirage of him sitting in the corner of the upper deck. When I sat next to him, he vanished! =( When I finally gave in, I woke up.

It was so saddening... =( Felt as if I was pang-seied really badly.... And my heart was suddenly sank when I woke up then.

According to my iRiver, the time was 12.25pm. I thought I still had time. So I went back to sleep.

Guess what? He kept on haunting me. I was joyriding and decided to pit-stop at a shopping mall at Lavender (note that there's no shopping mall there... =.="). And I saw him outside KFC, smiling away. =) He was waiting for his mom. I just hid myself in embarrassment. I had to buy Kebab at some supermarket, but I wanted to stay there with him, so I quickly rushed to the supermarket, which somehow got condemned and closed down. =.=" So I quickly gusted to outside KFC, but sadly he disappeared during my few seconds disappearance. And there was no traces of him left... ;_;

I woke up again. Checked the clock on my iRiver: 1.03pm. Even though I didn't recover, I decided to pack up to join back my class. And oddly, the class was empty. The period was physics lab. And I was thinking, "Shit, maybe they already started the Mock Practical..." I took out my phone, and was about to SMS my classmate about it, when I saw the time: 1.54pm! o.O

The clock on my iRiver is 50 min behind time! o.O And I didn't reliase it until today... >.<

I overslept thinking of him.....

That just ruined my day even more. And I simply went back to my Emo Corner... Thoughts of him still occupied 79% of my mind, even though I was mad that no one woke me up, even though they went up the same staircase I was on, to the 7th floor, and yet no one woke me up... ;_;

My sulking continued even after school ended, when Physics Practical has yet to end... A. Maths test after school. But Physics Test never ended. And I was rotting outside class waiting... I just left at 2.45 (actual time) for AEP.

So I ended up missing Physics Mock SPA and my A.Maths Test. =(

Gah! The regrets.....

AEP. Nothing to do. Nat Tan got something on, so we watched short films. Most of them were banana emo... =.=" But I guess the most interesting one was, "Birthday", which is about a married couple who were fighting a lot, even over the slightest matter.

Still, my mind is constantly thinking of going home, cuz I was too depressed, stressed out, worn out... all because I felt lonely...

I was ear-worming The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus Your Guardian Angel throughout the whole lesson, which is REALLY REALLY BANANA TOUCHING....

[ Currently Listening To: Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone ]

Actually, somethings makes me wonder: Why do fancy that person so much, until I feel like dieing when he's not around?

And that simple question took me a while to answer. A few weeks in fact. And still, up to now, I have not found the answer.

He's obnoxious. He's annoying. He's irritating. He's a bitch. He's a pang-seiing dog. He's too 'brittle'. He's very self-centered. He's childish. He's horribly immature.

Yet he's cool. He's very sporty. He's very talented. He's very friendly. He's kind to me. Doesn't pick on me as much as others. And he surprises me a lot.

He makes me feel warm at heart. He makes me smile. He makes me feel thankful for living.

That's why when he's gone, I miss him... ;_; * ^pokes current song *

But come to think of it, the last part, ain't really that true. Because of his character, it's hard to believe that it was possible for me to cheer up thanks to someone of his characteristics.

It's as if what I feel or think of him is simply a figment of my imagination. That it is simply fictional and made-up. All a dream, that mainly encircles around some guy, whom is the catalyst for this mixed up reaction.

But even if he's fictional, why can't I simply accept the fact that he is?

So is what I'm thinking about, about him or the imaginary him? Cuz the real him is no where near as sweet as the imaginary him....

Rhetorical questions. =.=" I'm in a dilemma. Mainly cuz I have no idea at what I'm doing. I know that what I had written may not make sense, but this is what I feel. The more confusing it is, the more confusing I feel... =(

But still, sometimes, I see the imaginary him in real life. And that really surprised me...

Gah! Dilemma...

It can be said that I'm blaming him that I feel this way right now. But because of this 'feeling' I feel wrong for blaming him for anything. It pains me to hurt him, which in the end hurts me again....

My brain hurts... =.=

Maybe I'm simply jealous. Maybe that's why he's always on my mind...which somehow is linked to the other thoughts in my head...

But nevertheless, I just want to give him the biggest and fatest hug to him. =) Be it the real one or imaginary one....

[ Currently Listening To: Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry ]

Saw this Fruits Basket AMV from Youtube which is banana sad... (Music: Hurt By Christina Aguilera)

It made me teared a little...... esp when I linked it to him and his life....

... 8:38 pm