wow. i think i'm in seriously denial. to think that one year has gone past so fast that, although i hate admitting it, it's over. can't believe it's over. it can't be over though because it doesnt feel like it is. i'm in denial because i still dont want canoeing to be over. we gave in six out of our seven days a week for it and it can't just end like this. no, it can't.
i'm not satisfied with 5th and neither is anyone else. i want a second chance. i want a rematch. i want to row again without having the slightest thought that it's over. tbh, i dont really give a shit's ass about dragonboat. i signed up for canoeing, but i didnt thoroughly achieved what is to be achieved though the entire experience of canoeing.
i really want a second chance. i blame the illness both of us got at the last minute. and how did we get sick? it all leads back to njcc when we had to compete, badly if i might add, in the rain, which made us fall ill.
it's not enough and it never is. especially since the cca is at the brink of closing down, this is not the way to go. it's simply not fair.
tbh, i tried my best to cheer myself up after yesterday's defeats. 3 mcflurrys somehow did the trick, but i ensured myself to put others before me for the day, to give them the support they need to excel while i sit back behind. i ensured myself to be over it and to be happy for the others instead. but i guess it's just a failed facade i tried to put up. i got heavily influenced by the aura of depression by the rest.
the emo vibe is seriously contagious. that's something new i learnt today. guess it started with mark. he has a point though - how can people be fine by losing in heats when he himself is beating himself to dust when he lost in semis. i feel the same way. that theres simply something wrong with the entire picture.
the closest inexperienced ones to make it through were wy and hh. they're the only ones to make it to the finals, so our hopes are with them. they did good, but to them, not good enough. for me, not good enough either. they did the same mistakes me and jarrod did, opportunities wide open, yet did not cease them. because of that, the emo vibe darkens deeply.
i hate to admit it. but i guess my favourite quote to life applies here: 'life is all about the experience.' likewise, only the experienced rowers are the ones to obtain symbols of recognition for their hard work - medals, ncc signups and ac colours. what did WE get, merely things invisible; the materiality isn't there. teamwork? any team can have that. why is ours so special or different?
in fact, it's really not fair. something isnt right somehow. i thought we were a team. so why isn't the pride and glory from the experienced shared with the inexperienced? the truth is, the gap is still there. even from day one, it's there. it was just blurred until today. what the rest of us shared was merely depression.
something struck me hard today. someone said to some extent, that the key to double k4 gold is experience. it could have just been some bullshit flying around but it struck me. does this mean that the rest are destined to lose out in the other events because they're harder to win? what if, (i know i'm gonna get assrape commented on this) hypothetically, we were to turn the tables around, to break the k4 so that inexperienced gets a chance to shine in it while the experienced shine in the k2. wouldn't that make a more ideal situation where we can finally break into the top 4 categories and more people gets the recognition they truly deserve? of course, this does mean taking risks here and there but isn't the whole point of going through ccaab was to make us more daring to take such risks, even if our cca is at the brink of closing down.
gosh. the cab ride back to macritche was so depressing, and so was the dinner. i dont blame mark for not wanting to go for it after all these shit. i dont blame kevin either. i think both of them swallowed the most painful pills. so much hard work, for nothing. in the end, the inexperienced 10 went back home without anything. it was too sad.
... 10:50 pm
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Musli Temasekian Victorian ACSian Ncc(Sea) Senior Peer Leader PSB ExCo Curriculum Head 1SC9 2SC9 AEP 16 yrs old 17 Feb '92 Aquaries Emo, not emo Muslimin
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