.: lifeofabitch :.

17 February 2011

im a sad lonely boy. you think you can count on people, esp your friends to back to up and even catch your back whenever you fall. unfortunately i do not have such luxury. everyones too busy doing their own shit that their eq tends to fall behind. sure theres the comfort of texting or fb, but really, theres no true substitute for being physically present, you know lending your shoulder or even a friendly 'its okay, it'll be fine hug'. cuz most of the times if you dont feel like talking to anyone, you do appreciate them still being there for you right by your side.

its my bday today and its no different than any other day i suffered through since december. i cant count on anyone because they are srsly busy. i dont blame them. i should be busy too. just dont know why they havent reply to me as to when i'm starting my job. anyw, i want to count on them, but i guess its too much pressure. i mean, i alrd scared like 3 of them away.

and i cant help it really. being alone sucks, and whenever you ask for company, there will be this awkward feeling where i just want it to be a normal gathering between two parties and yet the other party sympathises you for some reason. and this awkwardness snowballs into feelings of guilt of which you regret, then apologize and then things get way way more awkward.

yes, this happened to one of them, i'm sure you know who. i'll just call the person b. see before all this, b and me were quite tight. you know, someone actually worth being there for you and helping whenever you're in trouble. b did that to me, multiple times in fact, and i thank thee. and its this kind of helpfulness that makes me more emotionally attached or even clingy, but may not necessarily be a good thing cause i lost all my independence...

but one tragic event made me rage at b, of which i truly regret immediately after that. i seeked help from 2 other helpful people, lets call them c and d. they told me to make amends. i did so with two bottles of rum. and make amends we did, just like that. not a single apology thrown from either parties, two bottles of alcohol was what made the difference. and i thought it ended there. but things got wierder between b and me. i didnt reliase it just last month, and this happened like last year before As i think... anyw, b started to feel really sian. and i, being stupid as i am, thought it was a phase and since b helped me out before, i thought i could repay the favour. but i couldnt. and it started to bug me out. i sent an apologetic text wondering if it was me and said if b could use a hand. no reply. after a while i reliased b started to distance himself away from me. i sent another apologetic text. and again, no reply.

by this time it was alrd post As. and with it being post As, youd expect parties, parties and more parties. all i got was post-prom, nothing, nothing and even more nothing. i got lonely. really lonely. my classmates got all attached and stuff, so i'm the only single guy left.

even during post-prom i was lonely. this i must tell. i got to the place with quoc. had dinner with him, which is good cause i wanna go in with a friend. then he left for his classmates after prom was over. so i just stoned at the lobby staring at people as they streamed in. the worst part is, no one noticed i was there alone and stoning. and it hurt. i saw the barker ppl having their fun. and i just stood back. kenneth noticed though. but really, could i even spoil the mood for a party by flushing ppl with my sorrows? no. the barker ppl just walked past me like i was invisible. not even a 'meet u upstairs man'... even those pseudo-malay girls emotionally stabbed me, i mean cmon, you ask me whats wrong, im halfway past my story you leave... i mean... WTF?!! bitches... i'll never forgive them for that. nevertheless, thank god one of my classmates came and i went in with him... i couldnt really rmb much what happened inside, but all i know is that i got super wasted somehow and at least the scones were nice enough to help. actually its more like take advantage of the situation, but i really dont care. i appreciate any form of company. i crashed their hotel room, but left early cuz i felt super weird there and not even kev or yw tried to make me feel part of the group. cuz why? i'm not.

so i was really banking on other people to guard my back. still nothing from them. nothing from b. nothing from c. only scams from d (fake invites for selfish reasons) even during postprom. i texted b, saying im feeling lonely and i wanted coompany. b replied. but after a while nothing changed. i texted again, then he kept quiet. until now, feb 17 2011. i can show my conversation list and its really one-sided.

i asked help from e. e told me that b is prob scared of you. its makes sense since im like on his case the whole time. then again it is possible that b's just scared of hurting me again hence the distancing. apparently b told the rest im unavailable or smthng which really exascerbates my loneliness and really makes me think that b's scared of me. even betrayal comes into mind often. i mean it hurts too when your friends are having fun without you, having fun when you're down in the dumps with no one.

things got slightly better in jan. i think. f came into the picture. and whenever i asked b something, b'll always reply 'ask f'. ALWAYS. but at least things are getting better, and i thought the future will be much brighter from then on. boy was i mistaken, now f is away in ns along with a majority of my bros and all i have left with are b, and the tension that arises when im around b. Now b doesnt even wanna talk to me anymore. I really dont know why, nor do i know what happened, but since 9th feb, it's december period all over. c,d,e all busy now. everytime i ask its the same answer 'NO!'... so whatup? im alone again... not cool. its not as easy as saying 'hey can you comfort me pls' cuz i scared off e from saying that too much. e told me to leave b alone. but that aint cool. you know somethings wrong. you wanna help. but you cant cuz you dont know whats wrong. in the end, guilt eats you up and it evolves into sorrow and eventually loneliness.

and yes, in case you have figured it out, i was crying thoughout this post. reality checks are very harsh indeed. b is officially not talking to me. im still trying to reconcile but for now, im following e's advice.

you'll never know how painful it is to lose your best friend for no apperant reason. you're lost, you need help. but there aint anyone available....

I MEAN CMON, ITS MY FUCKING BDAY AND U STILL HAVE NO BALLS TO SAY IT TO MY FACE THAT YOU NO LONGER WANT ME IN YOUR LIFE. AND FOR THE REST OF YOU ASSHOLES WHO KEEPS TELLING ME TO CHEER UP, DONT YOU THINK IM TRYING? IM IN THE STATE WHERE ANY FUCKING SHIT HAPPENS WILL EXASCERBATE MY LONELINESS AND ANGER. THANKS FOR CARING, BUT IF YOU REALLY CARED ABOUT ME, COME TO ME CUZ I REALLY DONT MIND A H2H TALK RIGHT NOW. ITS MY FUCKING BDAY AND PPL ARE STILL TOO BUSY AND SELFISH TO HELP... STOP SAYING NO DAMNIT...

happy birthday? pfft. what an irony there....

... 4:53 pm